It's hard to believe this is the only Christmas memory I'll have of her.
Thank you, everyone, for everything. We've read every email and blog. We've listened to every voicemail. We've followed the links you sent and read the blogs and watched the videos from other families with Trisomy 13. I apologize that I haven't personally responded to every one. It takes an amount of emotional energy I don't have right now.
And for those of you who don't know what to say, don't worry. We don't know what to say either. When people ask how I'm doing, I usually say, "I'm hanging in there," or "As well as can be expected, I guess." The real answer is much harder and much longer. It's not "day to day" so much as "moment to moment." There are moments of real joy in every day, watching James or laughing at something Kevin says. There are moments when something hits me in just the right way and I burst into tears. There are moments when I feel oddly disconnected, like I'm watching this play out in a movie and it's not really me. "I'm hanging in there," seems like an easier answer.
Kevin is amazing. I don't know how I'd get through this without him. Last night over dinner he reminded me how blessed we are. We are facing this surrounded by family, friends, and a gorgeous little boy. We have a warm house, stable jobs, and a nest egg. Rather than being kicked while we're down, we're in a pretty good place physically and emotionally. We can handle this.
And yet.
And yet.
I don't know how people get through things like this without faith. The greatest hope I have is seeing my children again in heaven someday. I never dreamed I would carry three children but only get to parent one. If I didn't have faith that the ones I lost on earth were held tightly in the arms of Jesus in heaven, I don't think I could go on.
I've been singing "Away in a Manger" to James as a lullaby this week. Bless all the dear children in thy tender care . . . the ones here on earth, the ones already in heaven, and the ones returning to you soon. Amen.
Kev and Tiff... We've been for the past days in the group of don't know what to say. This has kicked our hearts so hard that lots of words and feelings are around but none of them are good enough to show what we really think or feel about Maren. Last night during our Christmas devotional in our home we pray, once again, as the last days we've prayed; it's the only way we can get comfort for you and bless little Elizabeth through the distance. We would love to be there just to hug you and stay in silence with no words. We love you guys so deep in our hearts and this is so hard to handle for us that we can't even imagine how hard this is for you, and every time we think about this fact, the distance, the blood parenthood, time and so many other things, then tears comw down our faces and we remember that God puts love in our hearts so pure that all that doesn't matter; we just LOVE. Love you Kev, love you Tiff, love you James, love you Maren Elizabeth. You are our dearest family and we always will hug you in our hearts, in silence, with so much love, in hard, sad times; but we will also hug you in our hearts in happy, joyful times through the love God puts in our hearts.
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you all our lovely family. May God strenghten you lives, hearts and faith.
LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
Such beautiful thoughts Tiffany. You are an amazing woman, you have an amazing family, and we are all so fortunate to have an amazing God! May He continue to guide and comfort you, be your rock. Much love to your family this CHRISTmas season!!
ReplyDeleteYou have been in my daily prayers since you shared your news. There is truly nothing to say, except that your faith is beautiful, your strength is amazing, and we are praying for...for God to make this right, in one way or another.
ReplyDelete