Choosing Life

We are so thankful for all the support we've received from family and friends. To know so many of you are praying for us makes us feel less alone on this journey. We also realize there are people who think we've made the wrong decision but are tactful enough not to tell us that. We appreciate you, too.

I've been pro-life for as long as I can remember. The thing about being pro-life, though, is that you never imagine you might one day have to make a decision about abortion for yourself. In the last few months, though, I've learned that sometimes a woman considering abortion doesn't look like a desperate college girl wanting a quick remedy for her problem; sometimes she looks like a distraught middle-aged woman who's been told her baby is going to die anyway.

I wonder where that euphemism "interrupt the pregnancy" came from. We heard it several times after our first ultrasound. Do they teach it in medical school? Was there a board or a committee that discussed and discarded various options, trying to find a softer way to offer it to parents already in shock from bad news? I'm glad we spoke up early on and said abortion was not an option, because they might have pushed it more after the amniocentesis if we hadn't. Since our diagnosis, we've heard and read stories of other parents with Trisomy 13 babies whose doctors pushed them a lot harder to abort. For those who just want it to be over, I'm sure it's tempting.

I get it. This is easily the hardest thing I've ever lived through, and we're not even to the worst part yet. We found out with over four months left until our due date. That's four more months of carrying a baby you know will die -- four more months of becoming more and more attached with every twist and kick -- four more months of becoming more and more in love with a baby you'll never bring home. I understand why some women don't want that bond getting any stronger; if the baby is going to die anyway, why prolong the pain? It doesn't change what I believe, but I'm a lot more empathetic now. Maybe God will be able to use that someday.

From my point of view, here's what it came down to: this is my daughter. I started loving her the minute I saw the positive sign on the home pregnancy test. I could no less end her life now than I could end her life at three or seven or nineteen. She is wanted. She is loved. She is my daughter. I couldn't fathom the idea of causing her severe physical pain to lessen my emotional pain. This is the only life she'll ever know. All I want to do is give her a warm, safe place to flip and turn and suck her little thumb. I want her to be free to kick, especially the big ones I feel when she hears her big brother and I singing songs and reading stories. I want her to know love. Nothing but love. She is my daughter. For her, I've chosen life, no matter how short it may be.