Happiness, Jealousy, and Everything in Between

I had a check-up on Wednesday and Maren is doing great. I'm gaining the right amount of weight, she's measuring at the perfect size, and -- best of all -- I got to hear her strong little heartbeat pumping away inside me. Hearing that hearty thump, thump, thump and feeling her mighty kicks every day, it's hard to believe she's not healthy. It makes me thankful for her early diagnosis, because as hard as this long good-bye is, an unexpected, abrupt good-bye would be so much more painful. I can't imagine going through what seemed like a normal pregnancy, buying lots of little pink blankies and clothes, going into labor expecting a healthy little one, and then coming home empty-handed. I think it might kill me.

Standing in line after my appointment, waiting to schedule my next one, two different tiny babies in little pink caps went by me. The first was alongside a dazed-looking teenage girl, being pushed by a what appeared to be her social worker. The second baby's mom had cognitive disabilities. Her elderly parents were pushing her baby for her. My first thought with the second new mom was, "I hope whatever sicko took advantage of a mentally challenged woman is rotting in jail right now," but my second thought was the same as it was when seeing the teen mom. I was tempted both times to grab those new mothers by the arm and say, "Do you want me to take her home? I can give her a really, really good life."

I have several friends who are pregnant right now, and other friends have asked if it crushes me to see their posts on Facebook. My answer is no -- I am SO happy for them because I know they are good mothers. But with strangers? Lots of feelings come up. Jealousy. Anger. "It's not fair!" (Like I deserve better? I don't know what I think fair means.) Most of all I feel concern for those babies. And yes, sadness. Deep, deep sadness that we won't bring home our little girl.

I know in the future we could adopt a baby like one of those little ones I saw this week. We could give a better life to a baby who needs good parents. We might think about that in the future, but right now we need to make it through this. I can't save every baby in the world. I can't even save the one I'm carrying. All I can do is keep her warm, sing to her, and pray for that tiny heart to keep thumping. For now, it's enough.