Someone asked me this week if we'll try again. Ugh. There are several things I could say about that question, but to answer it, I don't know. I don't think I will know for sure until a lot farther down the road.
James LOVES babies right now. Anyone his size or smaller gets called "baby" when he sees them. He loves books about babies. He adores the baby girl at daycare. I would love it if he could be a big brother.
But the thought of going through this again? I don't think I could handle it.
The genetic testing they did along with the amniocentesis showed Trisomy 13 was just a fluke. Kevin doesn't carry anything, I don't carry anything, and together we don't create anything. But the chances . . . 1 in 10,000 babies is born with Trisomy 13, and somehow we were that one. If it happened once, it could happen again, right? It's not likely, but it's possible . . . and that 1 in 10,000 possibility makes my stomach churn.
I know I'm not handling this all that well. I read all of these really nice texts and emails and Facebook messages, and I don't respond. People can't leave voicemails for me anymore because I let all my calls go to voicemail and then never listen to them or erase them. I'm hopeful my true friends understand and won't hold it against me, but I'm aware enough to realize I'm isolating myself, and that's not good.
So to get pregnant again knowing I might have another baby I won't get to bring home? My current state x 2 = probably not a great idea.
So to go back to the original question, I don't know. And I don't think now is the time to make any major life decisions.
What bothered me more about the question, though, was that it felt really dismissive of Maren. Right now, I don't want to think about other babies. I want to think about her. She flipped in the last twenty-four hours -- instead of kicking low, she's now kicking up high. Every kick feels like such a gift. I love her more and more every time I feel her. I don't want to pass over this time with her and start thinking about another baby. As hard as it is, I'm so thankful she is ours.
Again, thanks for sharing your journey. I love blogs because it's such an easy way to follow along and learn about someone else's experiences with no pressure for them to have to "follow up."
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