To my girl

Dear Maren,

I had a bit of a breakdown last night. You haven't met Kristen yet -- she lives kind of far away -- but she was one of Mommy's best friends in college. She was an English major, too, so she sent the perfect gift -- a book! She wrote a really nice inscription inside, which made me a little teary-eyed, but it was the book itself that made me cry: Charlotte's Web.

When I was a little girl, I read Charlotte's Web but couldn't get through the ending. My mom, your grandma, found me sitting and crying on the couch. She said she'd read it to me since I was crying too hard to read. Pretty soon she was crying too hard to read, too.

It made me so sad, thinking about that moment with my mom, when I was so little, and realizing I will never have a moment like that with you. There are a lot of things I always thought I would do with my daughter, and it breaks my heart to know we won't have the time I hoped we would.

I wanted to read the Anne of Green Gables books with you and then take a trip to Prince Edward Island. I thought we'd play Barbies like my little sister and I used to. I looked forward to passing down my much-loved Cabbage Patch Dolls and watching you play Mommy. I wanted to read the Little House on the Prairie books and make you an old-fashioned dress and bonnet to play dress up.

Another friend of Mommy's lost her baby just a few weeks into her pregnancy not too long ago. When I told her I was sorry, she shook her head and said it was nothing compared to what we're going through with you. I said she was wrong -- losing your baby hurts no matter when it happens. You see, Maren, the minute we mommies find out a little life is growing inside us, we start dreaming. Long before you are born, we have hopes and plans for you. Trying to let go of those dreams hurts, no matter how long or how short the dreaming was. So even though we've known for a while now that we won't have all those special moments with you as you grow up, it still hurts so much to think about all we'll miss out on.

Thanks for the kicks last night while I cried, sweet girl. You give me beautiful reminders to enjoy the time I have with you. I wish we could have years and years, but I'm thankful for the days and weeks and months I've been blessed with. You are so precious to me.

Love,
Mama