I turned to Kevin last night and said, "Have I thanked you lately for giving me this beautiful boy?" James lights up our lives. His little personality gets bigger every day, and it's hard to remember what life was like before him. I can't imagine the shape I'd be in right now if not for him brightening my days.
Someone this weekend said, "I can't believe how positive you are through all this." My first reaction was to twist up my face and say, "What? You obviously don't see me during the rough times." Instead I patted James's head and said, "Well, I've got to keep going for this little guy."
When I miscarried Sam, all I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. Kevin had just left for a six-week Asian recruiting tour, and I knew it wasn't healthy for me to be alone. I called my parents and they drove five hours to be with me. They couldn't do anything to bring our baby back -- if I remember correctly they cleaned my bathroom, cooked a lot of food, and spent a lot of time being bored -- but the fact that they were there meant I had to get out of bed and talk to them, which was good.
If I didn't have James to chase and tickle and read to and keep alive, it would be tempting to slip into a pretty dark place. Instead, I'm more thankful than ever that we have him to fill our days. Knowing we are going to lose Maren, I can't imagine how I'd get through this without James.
I've worried a lot about him through this process, though. When we first found out at just twelve weeks that there was potentially a problem, I wondered if he would someday resent his sister. I knew he would love her, but he might miss out on things because of her. My 30's were amazing, traveling to several countries and all over the U.S. It was pretty much the time of my life. Being an older mother, though, there was a good chance James would have to take over as primary caregiver in his 30's. He wouldn't have the freedom that I did. Or if he married young and had kids already, he'd have added stress, having to take care of his sister. I didn't want him to be bitter.
When we got the Trisomy 13 diagnosis, my worries changed from him having to take care of his sister someday to him living his whole life as an only child. I have fantastic childhood memories that revolve around my siblings. Even today, we still get together every other month or so just to spend time together. My family was the big reason I wanted to move back to Iowa. What will James's childhood be like, growing up without a sibling? When Kevin and I are gone someday, who will James celebrate Christmas with? I feel bad not giving him what was and is so important to me.
I worry, too, that I'll be overprotective. I used to go in and check on James after he fell asleep and ask God to keep all bad people away from him so he'd never be hurt. After finding out Maren won't live, my prayer changed to, "Please, God, don't let anything happen to him because I will die." That's a lot of pressure on a kid. I fear I'll freak out when he wants to learn how to ride a bike. When he gets his license at 16? I'm not going to want him to go anywhere. And college? Hooboy. I'll be pushing for community college and living in my house 'til he's 40. As the months have gone on, I've changed my prayer again: "Dear God, please keep James safe. Don't let anything happen to him. And don't let me become neurotically overprotective so he doesn't become neurotic, too."
I know in the end it will all work out. Life isn't working out the way I planned, but that doesn't mean it can't be good. James will be okay. Maybe a little overly coddled . . . and over-protected . . . but hopefully I won't mess him up too badly. He deserves the best for getting me through this.
Thanks for sharing from the heart! James is such a blessing and you guys are a blessing to him! I love that you shared how your prayers have changed over time. We continue to pray for you guys!
ReplyDeleteJames is such a wonderful little boy. He has such a sweet and awesome personality. It was a joy to spend a whole day with him last week. You have been awesome parents to him and his eyes light up when he sees you. I know he will grow up to be a nice young man who loves Jesus because you have been good examples of love and kindness. Keep up the good work! Grandma R.
ReplyDeleteAs the mother of an only child, also a boy, who had several miscarriages, I want you to know that I can so relate to your feelings (although I would never presume to understand the pain of facing the loss of one's actual infant).
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