Preparing

A few weeks ago we happened to drive by the hospital one night. "Can you believe it was two years ago we were going to all those classes?" I asked Kevin. When we were pregnant with James, we got a flyer about classes offered for new parents. We signed up for ALL of them: labor and delivery, caring for a newborn, breastfeeding, and infant CPR. We had no idea what we were doing, so we figured we could use all the help we could get. We were at the hospital one night a week for about three months. Even with all those hours of trying to learn something, we still weren't ready.

There were preparations at home, too. Kevin spent most nights painting the various rooms of the house we had just purchased. I insisted the baby room be done first. Three walls were a light gray, one wall was a shade darker, and the trim was white -- perfect for a boy or a girl. My dad and brother set up the crib. We had gender-neutral onesies, blankies, and cloth diapers. I packed the hospital bag a few weeks in advance based on what we'd learned in the classes, what I'd been told by friends, and stuff I read on the internet. I even had playlists on my iPod, one with fast songs and one with mellow tunes.  We were set.

Preparations are different this time around. There are no classes to prepare parents for losing a baby soon after they meet her. We're not setting up a crib, since it's unlikely we'll bring her home. We don't have adorable little pink clothes in the closet; it would be too painful to have to pack them up with the tags still on.

My hospital bag looks a lot different this time around. We have a beautiful Christening gown my sister-in-law's mom made; we are hoping to have enough time to baptize sweet Maren. We just got a baptismal candle and cloth in the mail today from a dear friend -- those are going in the bag, too. We have blankies from friends and family. We've got kits to do handprints and footprints. I've got my Bible to stamp her hand and footprints in, too.

I guess we can take comfort in the knowing. I've heard many stories in the past few months of mothers who set up the nursery, bought the cute clothes, and expected a perfectly healthy baby, only to be heartbroken. As painful as this long good-bye has been, I can't imagine how much more painful it would be to leave the hospital empty-handed when you thought you were coming home with your beautiful baby.

Maybe that's the best preparing we can do -- preparing to say good-bye.